Episode 6: Why I Stopped Comparing Myself to Everyone (And Started Actually Living)

I used to check my friend's Instagram stories obsessively. Not because I particularly cared about her daily smoothie recipes or studying aesthetic photos, but because I was constantly measuring my life against hers. She seemed to have it all figured out – perfect grades, tons of friends, always looked put-together, and got into her dream college early decision.

Meanwhile, I was struggling with mathematics, felt socially awkward half the time, and spent most mornings frantically searching for clean clothes. The picture was clear: she was winning at life, I was falling behind.

The thing is, this comparison game was slowly killing my actual enjoyment of my own experiences. I'd get a good grade and instead of feeling proud, I'd immediately wonder who did better. I'd hang out with friends and spend half the time analyzing whether we looked as happy as other friend groups on social media.

Then I realized something had to change, that comparison isn't just unproductive – it's based on completely false information.

The Slave Who Didn't Care About Rankings

Epictetus, one of the Big Three of Stoicism, was born as a slave and lived a slave for most of his life. Imagine yourself as the lowest lowlife of the entire society, of course you would always be complaining how life isn’t fair right? I would’ve. But Epictetus didn’t. His philosophies all point to questions like: “Are my actions aligned with my values? Did I act with patience and dignity? Did I react to things outside my control?”

The Stoics had this radical idea: your worth has nothing to do with how you compare to others. It's based entirely on things within your control – your effort, your character, your choices.

This blew my mind because I'd spent years basing my self-worth on factors completely outside my control. Other people's achievements, their natural talents, their family circumstances, their luck – none of that has anything to do with me or my value as a person.

Epictetus puts it perfectly: we suffer not from events themselves, but from our judgments about events. When I felt terrible about my SAT scores, it wasn't really the scores making me miserable – it was my judgment that they meant I was "less than" the people who scored higher.

But here's the kicker: those other people's scores had absolutely nothing to do with my intelligence, my worth, or my future potential. I was torturing myself over completely irrelevant information.

The Psychology Behind Why Comparison Feels So Wrong

Now let’s look at how Alfred Adler viewed comparison. He figured out something crucial about human development: we're all on completely unique paths. That one friend of yours may have different values compared to you. Comparing yourself to others is like comparing a mountain to an ocean – they're just fundamentally different things.

Adler noticed that people who get stuck in comparison loops usually have what he called "feelings of inferiority." Sounds familiar? Not because they're actually inferior, but because they're measuring themselves against impossible standards or irrelevant metrics.

Think about it: when you compare yourself to someone else, you're comparing your behind-the-scenes struggles with their highlight reel. You know all your fears, mistakes, and awkward moments. You only see their polished exterior. It's the world's most unfair comparison, yet we keep doing that to ourselves.

Plus, you're usually comparing outcomes while ignoring completely different starting points. That friend who seems naturally good at everything? Maybe she has a learning difference and has to work twice as hard as it looks. Maybe she's dealing with family issues you know nothing about. Maybe she's great at school but struggles with anxiety you never see. Maybe she started at the finishing line on academics, but handles social relationships awkwardly.

The point isn't to find reasons why others don't deserve their success – it's to realize that their success has literally nothing to do with your path.

My Personal Comparison Detox

I decided to try an experiment: what if I stopped measuring my life against other people's and started measuring it against my own progress?

The Instagram Test: Instead of scrolling and immediately feeling inadequate, I started asking: "What am I actually seeing here?" Usually, it was one curated moment from someone's day, designed to look perfect. That's not real life – that's social media performance. Furthermore, who on earth would set up a camera instead of just taking in the view, living the moment?

The Grade Game: When I got test results back, instead of immediately scanning the room to see how others did, I asked: "Did I prepare well? Did I understand the material better than before? What can I learn from this?"

The College Pressure: When friends or seniors got acceptances or rejections, instead of panicking about how it affected my chances, I reminded myself: their results don't change my applications, my essays, or my qualifications.

And of course, results start to show: I started actually enjoying my own achievements again. When I understood a difficult concept in physics, I didn’t think about how everyone got it first, but focused on the satisfaction that came with it.

What Actually Matters

The Stoics were big on focusing only on what's within your control. Here's what actually is:

• Your effort and preparation

• How you treat others

• Whether you're learning and growing

• If you're living according to your values

• How you respond to setbacks

Here's what isn't:

• Other people's natural talents

• Their family resources or support

• Their luck or timing

• How quickly they achieve things

• What they post on social media

When I shifted my focus to the first list, everything got clearer. I couldn't control whether I was the smartest person in my class, but I could control whether I was learning. I couldn't control whether others liked my presentation style, but I could control whether I prepared thoughtfully and spoke authentically.

The Collaboration Revolution

Here's the most surprising side-effect of my comparison detox: my relationships got way better.

When you stop seeing everyone as competition, you can actually appreciate their successes. That friend who got into her dream school? I felt genuinely happy for her. Her success didn't make mine less likely – it just meant someone I cared about achieved something important to her. There are… no enemies.

I started celebrating other people's wins, asking for advice, and offering help without keeping score. Turns out, when you're not constantly measuring yourself against others, you can actually enjoy their company.

The classroom dynamic changed too. No more hoarding information or feeling threatened by classmates' insights. I started seeing them as collaborators in learning. Someone else's good question didn't diminish my intelligence – it helped everyone understand the material better.

"Why I Stopped Comparing Myself to Everyone (And Started Actually Living)"

The Unexpected Freedom

The best part about quitting the comparison game isn't just feeling better – it's the mental energy you get back. I used to spend so much time analyzing where I stood relative to everyone else. Now that energy goes toward actually improving my life instead of measuring it.

I'm not saying I never notice when others achieve impressive things or that I don't sometimes feel a twinge of envy. I'm human. But now when those feelings come up, I recognize them as information about what I might want to work toward, not evidence that I'm falling behind in some imaginary race.

Marcus Aurelius wrote, "How much trouble he avoids, who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does." He was right. When you stop constantly measuring yourself against others, you free up all that attention for actually building the life you want.

Your Own Comparison Detox

If you're tired of feeling like you're always losing a game you never signed up to play, try this: for one week, notice every time you compare yourself to someone else. Don't judge it or try to stop it – just notice.

Then ask: "Is this comparison giving me useful information, or is it just making me feel bad?"

Most of the time, it's the second one. And once you see how often you do it, you can start choosing differently.

Remember, everyone you're comparing yourself to is dealing with their own struggles, fears, and challenges that you can't see. They're probably comparing themselves to someone else too. It's a comparison all the way down, and nobody wins.

The only comparison that actually helps is comparing yourself to who you were yesterday. That's the only person whose full story you actually know, and the only person whose progress is truly relevant to your life.

What's one area where you could focus on your own growth instead of relative positioning? Your future self will thank you for making that shift.